Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Four emotions

I opened my email today and read a message From the Masters that is all about the four emotions that can lead to life change, it was written by Jim Rohn. He said that emotions are the most powerful forces inside us. And of all the emotions we are capable of feeling, only four can lead us to life change. These are: disgust, decision, desire and resolve.

Disgust is a negative emotion which can turn positive when you say to yourself "Enough is enough." It could lead to a life changing decision which could alter our lives forever. And whatever decision we make, we must have a desire to want it. And if we really, really want it these words will come out of our lips: I will.

Of all the four, I could say that I once faltered at the last one: resolve. But I have learned my lesson. I know what I want and I am decided to get it. Probably you're going to throw me a question, for how long will it take me to make it a reality.. I would simply say this to you:

As long as it takes.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Decisions

Last week in my Philippine history class, we were discussing McKinley's benevolent assimilation proclamation and then the Philippine independence missions. I underestimated my students critical thinking skills. I thought that they were just like my former history students who were just going through the motions of complying with the requirements to pass the subject. Otherwise they couldn't graduate from their chosen courses. When they heard of the missions sent to the US Congress in the 1930's for the Filipino's desire to become independent of any foreign power, they told me that it was a waste of time and money. They also asked my why in the hell do we need to get the approval of the United States just to get our so called independence? I didn't even had the chance to answer it because the class did. The Philippines was served in a silver platter to the USA after the Treaty of Paris. At first, they didn't know what to do, whether to accept it or just let us be. That's what Dewey told Aguinaldo anyway during their meeting prior to the Mock Battle of Manila. But they already invested $20 million. And the decision finally came after McKinley's proclamation. They have this herculean task of educating the Filipinos. So he ordered the military occupation.

With the rise of ML Quezon and the likes, the Filipinos clamored for independence. They wanted to prove that they could run the country without the Americans. It took several missions, nine, if I am not mistaken, to bring it to reality. The HHC Act was finally approved by the US Congress and was approved by the President of the USA. However, ML Quezon was not happy about it because he couldn't take the credit for it, that was why he didn't sign it. Then came the Tydings-McDuffie law - and here we are, independent as we claim it.

If things were different, if ML Quezon, Sergio Osmena didn't clamor for independence, we would have been a territory of the USA. We could have been another Guam or Saipan. So, I asked my students if they were in favor of this. They said NO. They want an independent Philippines, much to my surprise.

They were debating about it in class, I was hearing comments and ideas I have never heard nor imagined they were capable of even thinking. Right there and then, I knew that I made the right decision.

In the attempt to ease whatever feeling that I have, they made me feel proud. That somehow, I made a good decision in my life.

That in almost everything that I have done, I have done something good.

Even if I am stupid. Even if I am an asshole. Even if I lied.

I don't want to lie anymore. My heart is full of remorse right now. For not saying the things that I should have said. For hiding the things that I should have exposed. Now, I am having a hard time earning the trust that I had before.

And it is because of my stupid decisions. My mistakes. My lies.


"Why"

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Word for the day

Totoo sa sinasabi
Alisin ang alinlangan
Pangako, walang iwanan
Alaala lagi
Taos sa puso

Ito ang natutunan ko ngayong umagang ito - ang salitang tapat
.

In today's gospel, Matthew tells a story of a father who asked his sons to work in the vineyard. One said no, but changed his mind and eventually went. The second said yes but didn't even go to the vineyard. Jesus said that the first did the will of his father. But if we are going to think about it, both of them brought sama ng loob to their father.

As I reflect on it, I am reminded that there are two kinds of people who roam the face of the earth. One, those are good who eventually turned bad. And two, those who are bad who eventually turned good.

In the dichotomy of good and bad, of what is moral and immoral, people may have had different definitions. The term could be relative. But one thing is for sure - the innate goodness that a person possesses.

We are all good. For God is good, all the time.
Not thinking about anything is zen. Once you know this, walking, standing, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is zen. To know that the mind is empty is to see the Buddha...Using the mind to look for reality is delusion. Not using the mind to look for reality is awareness. Freeing oneself from words is liberation.

- Bodhidharma

Anak, buhay ka pa ba?

That is the exact words of my mom when I got home three nights ago. I don't
know if she senses something, she never really asks. I just kissed her
hand and said, "Wish ko nga hindi na ako buhay eh" and then I laughed
to cover the sincerity of my words.

Funny, I have been awake for the longest time despite the long hours
of work. I just don't want to have a dull moment so that I could not
think. I am tired of thinking. I just want to feel and experience life
unfolding before my very eyes. But as fate would have it, I think I
have run out of time.

I said that I will not choke again, I said that I will keep on
believing.. I believe that it could happen. Whoever wants to ruin
everything will not succeed. I will make sure of that. I will track
you down even if it would cost me my life.

I will not lose hope. I will not falter. I will not choke.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Destined for greatness

I wasn't paying much attention to my dad this evening because I was busy chatting. He was blabbering about past memories of me and my siblings. He said he couldn't remember a negative memory involving me except for that one incident when they made me wear a skirt when I was in grade three. I told him it wasn't a negative memory, actually it was funny. My dad, mom and Buboy was actually talking about engrams.. their personal engrams. Dad said that he retraced the memory that triggered his negative reaction whenever a baby cries. He'd turned violent and really angry when he hears a baby cry. He said that he now remembers why. He remembered that time that he was made to baby sit my Kuya Jun (RIP) and Ate Maricel when they were babies. And they cried during his watch. He didn't know what to do and he hated myself for it. Until recently, he didn't know that it was that moment which triggered emotions and reactions. Again, he was explaining dianetics.

Mom had a different kind of fear. She was afraid of my dad's car. She said she couldn't forget that moment when my dad pulled her out of the stage while conducting (she was a music teacher) during a performance and told her to get into the car and took off with an alarming speed. Since then, my mom doesn't want to get inside the car specially when my dad's temper is up.

My dad was telling me that he couldn't remember anything negative about my childhood memories. Sabi niya, ewan lang daw nung nag-aaral na ako kasi hindi na niya alam kung ano nangyayari sa akin. There's a lot of things that my dad doesn't know about me. An awful lot.

He was asking me but I refused to answer, I was busy. Then again, for the nth time he said, "Wag mong biguin si Tito Ugin mo." I told him, "Ano?" "Sabi niya sa akin nung unang pagkakita pa lang niya sa 'yo at nakausap ka niya, mas magaling ka kaysa sa akin. I-hone daw kita, i-train daw kita dahil ikaw ang papalit sa akin. Masyado ka lang daw maraming emotional baggage kaya ayaw lumitaw ng galing mo." I just shrugged my shoulders and said to myself. Emotional baggage? I threw them all away. Pagod na ako eh. "Hindi lang kita ma-process kasi anak kita eh. Matinding kalaban ang affinity."

Engrams? I have many. I know it but I haven't processed it yet.

Destined for greatness? Yeah right. The power of positive thinking.

One word says it all. BELIEVE.

Little Devil ko



Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw niya umalis. Ilang beses ko na siya sinubukang bitawan. Pero hanggang ngayon andito pa rin siya sa tabi ko. Alam niya pag mainit ulo ko. Siya kasama ko pag galit ako. Pag naiinis ako. Pag malungkot ako. Hindi pa naman niya ako ipinahamak. Magaling lang siguro talaga akong driver, kahit na nagloloko na siya, nako-control ko pa rin. Kahit nung isang taon na na-disgrasya ako, siya ang total wreck, pero ako walang galos. Ni hindi ako sumemplang. Siguro, ganun niya ako kamahal. Kaya ngayon, kahit gusto ko na siyang bitawan, ayaw niyang umalis.


Kung nakakapagsalita lang siya ngayon, sigurado puro tampo at hinaing ang sasabihin niya sa akin. Ipapaalala niya kung paano ko pinaghirapan na mapunta siya sa akin. Tapos heto ako, kabi-kabila ang pagpupursige para umalis siya. Ipinaliwanag ko naman sa kanya kung bakit. Pero ewan ko ba, ganun siguro talaga pag mahal ka.. at mahal mo rin. Masakit pero kailangan.

Hindi ko pa alam kung aalis siya sa akin o hindi. May isang buwan pa ako para malaman 'yun. Dapat sana kanina kukunin na siya, pero hindi natuloy.

Kaya pala, may ibang mawawala sa akin. Kaya hindi siya umalis.

Anger and hatred

I tend to refrain myself from blogging whenever I feel this way. I just want to take off and satisfy the need for speed. But in consideration to someone who worries a lot about me, I am drowning myself in this ocean of anger and hatred.

Cool Off
Yeng Constantino

Wag ka munang magalit
Ako sana’y pakinggan
Di ko balak ang ika’y saktan
Hindi ikaw ang problema
Wala akong iba
Di tulad ng iyong hinala

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman, ano ba ang dahilan
Ng pansatamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita, pero kelangan ko lang mag-isa

Wag mong isipin na hindi ka na mahal
Sarili ko’y hahanapin ko lang
At ang panahon at oras ng aking pagkawala
Ay para rin sa atin dalawa

Wag ka sanang lumuha
Sana’y intindihin
Ito ang dapat nating gawin
Upang magkakilala pa
At malaman kung tayo
Ay para sa isa’t isa
Wag mong pigilin ang damdamin
Sa aking pagkawala, makahanap ka bigla ng iba
Ngunit pakakatandaan mo sana
Na mahal pa rin kita, pero kelangan ko lang mag-isa

Sarili ay di maintindihan
Hindi ko malaman, ano ba ang dahilan
Ng pansatamantalang paghingi ko ng kalayaan
Minamahal kita, pero kelangan ko lang mag-isa


Cool Off - Yeng Constantino

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Table of organization

Last Saturday meeting was graced by the Academic Consultant (the former president of the college). I was awed by the profoundness of his thoughts. This guy knows what he's talking about, I muttered to myself. But that thought vanished when he started to repeat what he said after every ten minutes. Parang sirang plaka na. That's when I started to get bored. To flush the feeling out I started asking questions like I was in a classroom setting to which he answered knowingly. Sure I learned a lot of things. That in order to stay at my current post, I need to get 24 units of psychology and take another LET exam for it. I jokingly said that I'd drop the position anytime and go back to teaching. The council reacted. They don't want me to leave the post.

I did that again tonight during the meeting when the president, in an attempt to get my attention (she thought I wasn't listening to the discussion because I was scribbling notes) said that the council could just drop the HR post in the table of organization. I said, it's okay. I'd gladly go back to teaching. But she retracted and said she was only joking, that I was doing a good job at managing people. -Sigh-

Managing people, a challenge it is. Specially if the sub-culture of the college is built on politics. Kakapagod lumaro sa sayaw ng mga pulitiko at namumulitikang tao.

Saturdays and meetings

I just came from a three hour meeting and I don't feel well. I've been feeling a bit weird for the past few days, I feel nauseous and my heart is acting strange - chest pains and heaviness. I know it's the usual stuff and I am used to it but people have been noticing that I don't look good (still cute, just not the usual cuteness ;) hehehehe) and that I look sick.

My wife says that its maybe because I'm over excited. I've been granted a month-long vacation which can be extended for another month (yey!). Hmmmm.. come to think of it, yeah I am excited! I've been doing the countdown for almost a month now. Hehehehe! I've also been hearing good cheers from people but I want to take it one day at a time and prep myself that it is indeed a vacation. Don't want to get my hopes up (but I really feel that something good is about to come up when I'm there) so I try to down play it as much as I can.

I was tasked to teach every clerk in the department on how to use their 3G mobile phones to connect to the internet and update the desktop PCs anti-virus software. Oh well.. so that's third on my list of things to do for next week. On top of my list is the demonstration teaching that I have to organize on Friday. Funny, I was also asked to attend a seminar in AUF, Pampanga on that day. I'll just confirm it on Monday.

Ah, it's a weekend and here I am thinking of things that I'm going to do for the week to come. I just want to speed things up so that I could take my vacation! Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

SG Induction & Turnover Ceremony

Yesterday morning I was advised to go to work earlier than usual because I needed to substitute for the TED Academic Head in inducting the student officers. I obliged. Here are some of the highlights of the event.


Bernard (soon to be OIC of CompLab), Me, Meia (soon to be OIC of HRD)
Me, HRM Head Rose, GTC Head Alex
with Dean Ricky and President Ophen
Induction proper
with Alex Garcia, President of the Teacher Education Society

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Monday, September 15, 2008

"How simple it is to see that all the worry in the world cannot control the future. How simple it is to see that we can only be happy. And that there will never be a time when it is not now."
- Gerald Jampolsky

Pusong mamon

I have always been diplomatic in my dealings with people. Before jumping to conclusion I usually give the other person the benefit of the doubt. But when I am pushed to the edge, I fight back. But I still hold back something. Deep inside me I know that we are created in the image and likeness of God. That somehow we are innately good. Experiences may have hardened and toughened us but I know deep inside that there is goodness in every person's heart.

Today, I felt just like that. I have been furious at someone for days because of fraud. I know that there are reasons behind the behavior and the actions of that person but for some reason, I set that aside and allowed myself to be angry. Not with the person per se but with her actions.

Galit ako pero nung nakaharap ko na siya, hindi ko makuhang magalit. May pagka-pusong mamon rin kasi ako.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Fury

If you keep thinking "That man has abused me," holding it as a much-cherished grievance, your anger will never be allayed. If you can put down that fury-inducing thought, your anger will lessen. Fury will never end fury, it will just ricochet on and on. Only putting it down will end such an abysmal state.

- Sunnata Vagga

I can't sleep. Darn!

UKG part two

Inside the Loop Studio with Arnold, Marlon, Bernard, Aries, Gerard and Noel
The Manager, actually di ko alam na kinuhanan pala nila ako. I was at the other side of the set kasi. Nasa jamming session sila with MYMP saka sa cooking portion ng show.
HRM 2A. Jason, Onad, Raymond, Ade, Al John, Jonel, Leo, Bagz, Darren, Tiong and Jerson
The Matrix, alin.. alin.. alin ang naiba. Isipin kung alin ang naiba!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Killer instinct turned liboger thoughts

Mr. T: Kung gagamitin ko lang katarantaduhan ko, ipinadampot ko na 'yun kagabi pa.
Misis T: Relax baby... Ngayon lang kita nakita ng nagalit na ganito ah... I like it... para kang barbaric.. wild ba, hahahahaha!
Mr. T: Sira ulo ka talaga, napangiti tuloy ako. Barbaric ka jan!
Misis T: Barbaric... and sexy...
Mr. T: Asus at gusto pa pala nito barumbado ako!
Misis T: Hindi no... gusto ko lang na lumalaban ka na. Hindi ka na tatahimik tahimik lang, hehehehe! Gusto mo itali mo pa ako sa kama eh, ehek! (liboger thoughts)
Mr. T: Aba, aba! At pumayag na! Hahahaha.. i'll save this email convo. Hekhekhek!
Misis T: Wag ka na magalit ngarud... relax...Kaya kita mahal na mahal eh... extremes ang dating hehehehe!


It's amazing how we, as a couple, could make each other smile despite of how negative the circumstances are. That's why I miss my wife so much.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

UKG

This morning at Umagang Kay Ganda.


Audience A, mostly HRM students.

Audience A pa rin, inggit ang audience B kasi palaging nasa kanila ang mga host.

Inside the studion with Marie Paz, Rose, Yoly, Tita Sosi and Mam Ophen.

Jamming session with Silent Sanctuary

Mam Ophen with Bernadette Sembrano and Kim Atienza