Immortal

I was on a carpool last Friday. I didn’t bring my bike to the office because the gearshift got broken and I needed to bring it to a mechanic. I was told that I’d have to wait for a day before it got fixed. So I went to work without my Little Devil. The day started out fine but got a little busy around 9:00. I was tagged as the resident psychologist in our division so aside from the daily routine of tasks I became the living repository of garbage in the office. I didn’t know that this would contribute to the stressful situations piling up in my system.

Acting on instinct during a lull in the office, I pulled up a paper that I already threw in the thrash can and found a number on it. It was my life insurance policy that I haven’t been paying for years as a result of a misunderstanding with my insurance agent. I checked if my insurance policy was in force and found out that it still is. Well and good, I told myself. If I die at that very moment my family will have enough money to start anew.

After office hours, I stayed for an extra thirty minutes or so to finish the pile of paper works on my desk. It was around six in the evening when I decided to go home and call it a day. Since I don’t have my little devil with me I went on to my usual routine of taking a long walk from East Avenue to Quezon Avenue where I will have my ride home. Nothing unusual happened during that walk. I was taking my time and enjoying the sights that I don’t usual see when I’m riding my bike. When I got to the station I immediately paid my fare and walked to the vehicle. I even heard Sotto called my name and told me “Mukhang nagla-law ka na rin ah!” I jokingly said, “Hindi rin, mas gusto ko pa mag-MA Psych kesa mag-law!" And then I boarded the vehicle and positioned myself at the left side of the seat right at the back of the driver. First thing I noticed was the air conditioning unit, it was turned on and the temperature was just right for me. I waited for a few minutes and then we were off on the road.

I started feeling weird in front of the dismantled SM Annex building. The temperature was cold but I felt my body sweating. Butil-butil ang pawis ko. I started feeling nauseous. Then my left arm started to numb. I told myself, this couldn’t be good. I really felt weird but I had to contain myself until I get to Meycauayan. I was having difficulty in moving but I manage to alight the vehicle and boarded a tricycle to take me home. I was really feeling weak that time, I wanted to just lie down and rest. When I got home, I paid respects to my parents and told them I was really feeling weak. I took a glass of water and went straight to my room and threw myself into the bed. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t stay awake so I fell asleep. After a few hours I was roused from my sleep when my sister entered the room and said “Andiyan ka pala, bakit naka-off ang electric fan mo? Ang init-init!” That was the time I told her about what I was going through but she couldn't understand the words coming out of my mouth because I was slurring. That was when she said that I needed to see a doctor. My dad thought otherwise. He told me to call my uncle to check on me.

To make the long story short, my brother took me to Tito Ernie and he checked on my condition. According to him I suffered a mild stroke. This was my second attack. I was lucky because my body is still strong. Most doctors that I’ve consulted found nothing wrong with me. They said I was too young to have a stroke, blah blah blah. But Tita Lucy, my aunt from the US who works for medical insurance company thinks otherwise. She called mom an hour ago and my mom told her about what happened to me. A few minutes later she called me and convinced me to go to Manila, preferably St. Luke’s or the Heart Center and have this condition checked my a cardiologist. She was astounded by that fact that I went to 3 doctors and all of them couldn’t find anything wrong with me.

What is wrong with my body? I don’t know. They couldn’t find any. That was why I am beginning to believe in my dreams that I am immortal.

Am back.

I changed. Yep. For a year and a half I restrained myself from accessing the internet. I sold my laptop computer, stopped my ISP subscription and did a lot of new things. I quit my job as a professor in one university (but I still teach part-time at a local government college) and accepted a mediocre paying job as a government employee. Contrary to popular belief that government employees just sit and watch the time pass by, my job entails a lot of work. And stress at that too. I wanted security of tenure and I got it. I am not getting any younger. In fact, this was noticed by one absurd stalker and commented that she no longer has a crush on me because I look old. Oh well, she hasn't seen me in 2 years. Thanks a lot!

Now, here I am starting another blog. I wish I could keep it. The other two blogs that I maintained before were solely dedicated to one person and my life journey with her. Now that we're no longer together I wish I could write more about my life, my experiences and the morbid thoughts that comes to me every single day. As Maya Angelou said, "If you don't like something change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." It's all a matter of perspective. Changing my view of things will change the way I picture myself. Earl Nightingale clearly says it all, "A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before we changed."

-sigh-

I can do it.

Practice non-seeking

A buddha is one who does not seek. In seeking this, you turn away from it. The principle is the principle of nonseeking; when you seek it, you lose it.

-Pai-chang
From "Teachings of Zen", edited by Thomas Cleary, © 1998. By arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc., Boston, www.shambhala.com.