Pasaway and Little Devil

A lot of people has been telling me to dispose of my Little Devil. They tell me that she would cost me my life. I could get an attack while riding her which could be a lot more dangerous than having an attack elsewhere. But I couldn't just let her go like that. We are connected in such a way that when I ride her I forget all my worries and pains. I know for non-riders that's weird, but for me, its bliss.




I have thought of letting her go because I need to pay my monthly dues. There was one interested buyer but he never showed up after we agreed on a date. So I guess this is fate, huh? My Little Devil doesn't want to leave me.

I just got off the phone with my Ninang and she was asking if I took the jeepney ride going to Sta. Maria this morning. Wag daw akong magpapagabi sa daan, delikado daw ngayon. Napagod daw ba ako, pasensiya na daw. I can't lie to her so I told her Ninang, nag motor lang po ako papunta sa munisipyo ng Sta. Maria kaninang umaga. Tipid po kasi sa pamasahe saka mas mabilis. And as usual, she goes berserk. I shouldn't drive a motorcycle because of my condition, I might get an attack along the way.. blah blah blah.. sabi ko na lang tuloy, Ninang masamang damo ako. Hindi ako agad kukunin ni Lord.

And one more thing, I need to live because someone would curse me like hell if I gave in and stopped being immortal. Mwehehehehehe!

May tama

I was tinkering with the Sharp Mebius Laptop Notebook running on Intel Celeron processor with 735 Mhz, 176 MB RAM and 20GB of hard disk drive when Tito Ernie and Tita Baby came in.

T. Ernie: Oh, Beegee, kumusta na?
Me: Ok lang, buhay pa. Hehehehe. Paki-pulsuhan naman ako sandali. Iba pakiramdam ko eh.

Got my left arm, checked my pulse for about a minute. Saw the look on his face. I know that look pretty well.

T.Ernie: May tama ka ah. Barado na naman mga ugat mo.
Me: Ramdam ko nga eh, si Mami napansin na last weekend pa. Nabubulol na naman kasi ako.
T.Ernie: Speech nga ang affected sa 'yo.
Me: Yup, saka hindi na nawawala 'yun pain na parang kinukuryente ang kaliwang balikat ko.
T.Ernie: Tara.
Me: Mamyang konti, nuod ka muna Dragon War diyan.

Oh well, I'm used to this.

And by the way, I got the deal. I swapped my Philips S660 music and camera phone with built-in 128MB memory with this baby, an old but faster laptop than my super lite Toshiba Portege 3440 notebook. I just need to shell out some cash.

Sabi nga ng mga kapatid ko, nakaloko ka na naman Ate! Hahahaha! Nakuha mo pang ibenta ng tatlong libo 'yung cellphone na 'yun?

It's one of few the things I'm good at. *wink*

But I can't post a picture of the laptop yet since I gave away my camera phone. Hahahaha!

Unknown Call

When my phone reflects an "unknown call" I know where it usually originates. The United States, or should I say, it is an overseas call. And I really don't get excited because I know that my relatives from the East Coast are once again up to something. I am not whining, its just that it makes my heart beat a little faster when I get that "unknown call" flashing wildly on my cellphone. I feel grateful that they check up on me, specially when they knew that I got TIA last December. Its just that for the last two months I've been getting a lot of calls from them because they wanted me to undergo MRI, they're worried because the doctor couldn't find anything except for the complicated migraine or to "fix" a teeny weeny problem back here regarding a wayward uncle, a cousin who doesn't want to go to college because of financial problems and would rather opt to work once she gets out of high school and a seemingly unending land disputes.

It's a good thing that I haven't got an 8-hour job to date. I could do all the errands they're requesting. At least it keeps me busy, it keeps me out of the house (where lately most of my stressors came from), and it stops me from thinking (bawal daw kasi ako mag-isip ng mag-isip, pwede ba 'yun?).

My phone reflected the last call time this morning as 00:43:20. Sabi nga ni Mami, "ang init na siguro ng tenga mo nun. Puro radiation na utak mo!" I told her all about the conversation. The whole family talked to me on the phone alternately, from Ninang, to Tito, and my cousins. It wasn't pure business. Most of it was kwentuhan and part of it was something like "You should come here Ate, I'll cover your plane fare. And the other one said, "What do you want? I had a hard time thinking of your pasalubong when I took Marlon last November for shopping that's why you never got any! Come over here and I'll take you shopping!" As if! That's easier said than done.

Well, I just got lucky today. Because according to my cousins, since I'm really nice to them and I don't ask for stuff (or should I say demand for stuff), Bhoy is giving me his 30GB Ipod Video and Bhaby is sending my favorite CK One eau de toilette. What can I say? *wink*

Thank you Bhoy and Bhaby for remembering me. If and when I get the chance to go to New Jersey, you'll be the first to know (syempre, you're gonna pay for my plane fare eh). We will not tell Ninang. Hehehehe!

Acronym for the week (from the Divine Mercy Shrine Sunday sermon)

I seldom hear mass. I actually stopped when I was in third year college for some tormenting reasons. Then I started hearing mass again regularly when I was at CyberSoft in the year 2001-2004. I stopped again when I was with OLFU although I occasionally hear masses from time to time. It became regular again in the last quarter of 2006 until the second quarter of 2007.

This year, i have been hearing early morning masses at the Divine Mercy Shrine. Lui introduced me the place. I don't know why, but I feel peace whenever I'm there. At first I find it corny, specially during the part after the sermon where we would all sing alam kong may magagawa ang Diyos (not sure if that's the title) because we were made to interact with one another by putting our left hand over another persons right shoulder and vice versa while we were being prompted to sing with the priest and feel the lyrics of the song. But after a while, it becomes a part of you.















Probably another reason why I like it there is because of the environment, simbang bukid kasi. The early morning mass is held outside of the church premises, talagang sa bukid siya ginagawa. And being the nature lover that I am, it really appealed to me.

This morning this is what I remembered from the sermon:


L ead others into the light
I nspire others to do good
G ive warmth to everybody you see
H eal the division/disunity around you, and
T each the truth.

Easier said than done huh? Let's just try to make an effort to do good.

Have a blessed Sunday morning!

ID as a birthday gift from Tina B.

I'm not sure how we ended in this conversation but I'm pretty sure it was right after my birthday. Atty. Balajadia, or Tina B as most of us call her, was giving me the arched eyebrows when I told her that I got a housing loan from pag-ibig for a cluster townhouse somewhere in Bulacan. I also reminded her that when I was still in PAO I asked her what was the best design for a 24 sq.m. floor area. She just told me, depende sa gusto mo, sa style mo. To which I said. Ok.

And then when I brought it up again, this happened...

Tina B: I didn't know that it was yours.
Me: Kaya nga I asked you what design would best fit it di ba?
Tina B: If I knew na sa 'yo 'yun, I could've done the ID agad. Send me the floor plan.
Me: Teka, I'll recreate it pa. I'll send you the pictures muna.
Tina B: Otay.

After a few minutes..



Tina B: Asan ang door mo? Left or right?
Me: Left.
Tina B: 'Yung sink?
Me: Left din.
Tina B: Nakaka disorient kasi pictures.
Me: So, you'll do it for me?
Tina B: Yep, consider it as my birthday gift to you.
Me: Yey! Thanks!

Hehehe.. I don't have lots of friends but I could sure count on them when I need a hand. Thanks Jessie!

My old poem posted in another blog

I was just surfing the net this morning trying out google by typing my name in the search engine because I was curious what it would generate. Well, it generated a lot. Most of them from my past poems published on the internet. There was 2 or 3 from Our Own Voice, and then several from Poetry.com which was back in 2001 when I hoped go to Florida, USA by winning the online competition. Unfortunately, I made it up to the semifinal round only.

And then there was this: LIT 14 R27

I was trying to recall if I had been asked by anyone back in 2004 if they can repost my poem On Love, Technology and LDR. I couldn't recall any. Not that I despise having my poem posted on another blog. It's just that I find it amusing that it has been the topic of discussion at one point in time in the said blog.

It makes me smile and gather my thoughts regarding writing poems again. And as I've said in my blog post last Monday the muse was right in front of me all along.

Now, I am ready to dance with my muse.

To the moon and back?

I headed early to OLFU today to deliver the herbal soap that my dad makes. Ga is one of the regular customers of the papaya and citropine variants that my dad produces. She is also one of my barkada in the university who's asking me to take part in her business and travel to Cebu every once in a while to deal with her clients. I'm still thinking about it.

Anyways, I made it a point to go there early because I don't want to disrupt classes and at the same time I don't want to leave the house with the blaring sun. I couldn't take that. My migraine will be triggered by too much exposure to sun and at the same time I don't want to risk another stroke.

So, I got there around 07:45, classes already started. I parked my little devil right beside Ga's Hyundai Sonata or Matrix (I guess, I'm not so sure. Hehehehe) and then I called her up. She went down in a few minutes and I gave her the package.

I was about to leave when Sir Tots, the dean of College of Arts and Sciences arrived riding his motorcycle. I told myself, Shit! Mapapakwento pa ako nito. There was a little chit-chat, he was inviting me to his office but I refused. Making the excuse that I don't want to be caught na tirik ang araw sa daan. He knew that I was hospitalized and that I only got a 6hr class every Saturday at a local college. That was when he told me, Bumalik ka na dito.I would welcome you anytime. But for now, you need to take a rest.

I was flattered and at the same time thankful that there are people who would still want me to be a part of their team. I've had several offers to teach full time or be part of the administration but I haven't committed to any of them yet.

God is good. All the time. He knows what we need and offers it to us. We only have to decide if we're gonna take it or not.

Woke up angry

...because of a bad stupid dream. I know I could be obsessive-compulsive at times when it comes to my clothes. I usually arrange them in the closet by means of color, sorted according to short and long sleeved shirts and polos, dress pants to jeans.

In my dream I was supposed to wear a blue shirt, polo or barong. However, when I got out of the shower I wore a white shirt. Then I drove somewhere, hindi ko na matandaan kung saan, and went back to change my clothes. I was shocked when I saw my cabinet disarranged and my clothes scattered around the floor. Weirdness of it all, it wasn't even in my room. I was in a social hall. So I asked the person in charge, I think she was my sister Ria, on what the hell just happened. I didn't hear her reply. I was fuming mad. Because one thing that I cannot tolerate is papakialaman mo ang gamit ko nang hindi ka nagpapaalam.

The issue wasn't resolved in my dream. I took off with my brother Buboy in a diese owner-type jeep similar to a wrangler but it was stainless. We've got 2 companions but I don't recall who they were.

Oh well, dreams. I woke up at five in the morning because of the stupid dream.

What keeps me sane nowadays

My notebook and mini-component keeps me company. I tinker with it a lot. Hopefully, I will be able to work from home representing an international company (AT&T, I guess) if and when the negotiations clicked. But that will be a separate blog entry if it pushes through. For now, I want you to take a peek of my gadgets.





Ever since I quit my job last December 16th, I have never regretted that decision. I learned how to love myself and give priority to my health the hard way. When I started being part of the entire workforce back in 1996, I never once stopped. If and when I resigned from one job, a few days later I would start on a new one. So the word vacation was really not in my vocabulary. I would work harder than anyone else because I wanted to be the best in everything I do. I know that I am a perfectionist much more an idealist which makes people close to me smirk whenever I turn into this rationalist maniac once in a while.







But now, everything changed and I am moving slower than my usual pace. In fact I hardly move. I keep still. But my mind wanders around. Perhaps that's the reason my neurologist gave me this regulated drug. I refused to take it at first, specially when I was in the hospital. But I realized that I needed it, so I gave in. Initially I took 1/4 tablet before bedtime. But I guess my tolerance was really that high. So now he makes me take half a tablet every night.

I learned how to treat myself right. Andaming magagalit sa akin kapag hindi eh. Hindi rin ako magiging masaya sa underworld kung saka-sakali. Kaya heto, nagpapakabait ako at sinusunod ng mga doctor. Hehehehe!

New shoes

Bought new shoes last week as my birthday present. It's a cheap one at around P250 at a Muslim tiangge. I was particularly attracted with the design since I am a sucker for boots. The material was also light and soft. But before I bought it, I thought long and hard if I really could shell out that money for it considering the fact that I am currently jobless right now and if I needed it that bad (I have several pairs of dress shoes but none of them is black). So I went home with that thought in mind.

After several hours, I went back and bought it. It felt good to have a new pair of shoes that I liked. Since I could wear it only during my classes, I waited for two more days before putting it on and giving it a try.

Come Saturday, I put it on and went to my class. As expected, my students noticed the shoes. And they loved it. Only when I was about to go home when I noticed that the sole was broken. It couldn't be glued back on. So, I immediately went to Mr. Quickie to have it fixed. The CS said it could, but it would take 3 days for them to fix it. Oh, well I told myself I could wait.

So I took P300 out of my pocket to have it fixed. Here it is now:




I am so happy! Hehehe! ;)

Ika-100 taon ng UP

hiram kay Tina B.

1. Student number?
91-15074

2. College?
UP Diliman - College of Social Sciences and Philosophy (1st 2 years)
UP Diliman - College of Arts and Letters

3. Ano ang course mo?
BA Sociology pero na-discourage kasi hindi ako pinayagan kumuha ng lit subjects that's why I shifted to the next..), BA Philippine Studies (kaso by the time na pumasok ako, under na ng Department of Filipino kaya naging BA Araling Pilipino)

4. Nag-shift ka ba o na-kickout?
Nag-shift.

5. Saan ka kumuha ng UPCAT?
UP Diliman, Sa AS.

6. Favorite GE subject?
Kas I

7. Favorite PE?
PE I lang kasi kinuha ko, varsity kasi eh

8. Saan ka nag-aabang ng hot guy sa UP?
I don't go for hot guys. I'm a lesbian. Sa AS 101 maraming nagpapa-cute, SA kasi ako sa CSSP.

9. Favorite prof(s)
Professor Joi Barrios (kahit para akong manok tuwing umaga sa kakabuga niya ng usok) Professor Laura Samson ng Sociology
Professor Monico Atienza ng Philippine Studies

10. Pinaka-ayaw na GE subject.
Math 1. Asar! Isa pa, STS.

11. Kumuha ka ba ng Wed or Sat classes?
Yep, sayang oras eh. Andun din naman ako ng MWF for varsity training.

12. Nakapag-field trip ka ba?
Naman! Cultural History, kay Prof. Medina. Punta kami sa Batangas. Saka sa Hum II sa Lucena.

13. Naging CS ka na ba or US sa UP?
Hmmmmm...after my first and second year, lagi na ako CS.

14. Ano ang Org/Frat/Soro mo?
UP Volleyball Varsity Team, Beta Lambda Kappa

15. Saan ka tumatambay palagi?
Sa AS 101, dun ako nagta trabaho eh. Kung wala ako dun, nasa gym ako naghihintay ng oras for training. Pag lunchtime, sa chapel (1st two years lang).

16. Dorm, Boarding house, o Bahay?
Bahay. Nakakauwi ako kahit madaling-araw.

17. Kung walang UPCAT test at malaya kang nakapili ng kurso mo sa UP, ano yun?
Medicine.

18. Sino ang pinaka-una mong nakilala sa UP?
Hala, di ko na maalala. Si Lee ata, blockmate ko.

19. First play na napanood mo sa UP?
Di ko na matandaan. Hehehehe.

20. Name the 5 most conyo orgs in UP
Don't mind and I don't care.

21. Name 5 of the coolest orgs/frats/soro in UP.
Away ata kapupuntahan nito eh!

22. May frat/soro bang nag-recruit sa yo?
Yep.

23. Saan ka madalas mag-lunch?
UP Diliman -- Beach House. At ang sari-saring Aristocart sa campus.

24. Masaya ba sa UP?
Naman!

25. Nakasama ka na ba sa rally?
Di ka UP student kapag di ka nakasama sa rally.

26. Ilang beses ka bumoto sa Student Council
Taon-taon.

27. Name at least 5 leftist groups in UP
Kailangan pa ba i-memorize 'yan?

28. Pinangarap mo rin bang mag-laude nung freshman ka?
Nope. Pero muntik na, 1.76 ang average ko when I graduated.

29. Kanino ka pinaka-patay sa UP?
Hmmmm.. wala, focused ako sa aral, volleyball at trabaho.


30. Kung di ka UP, anong school ka?
UST, pinipilit ako ni Sister Ave ng St. Mary's na dun mag-aral nung nalaman niyang papasok ako ng UP.

When the Muse refuses to come..

then I do not seek. I keep silent. I stay fixed. I breathe.

That's what I've been doing for the past years. I do not seek my Muse because she wishes not to. All along she was staring at me, looking at me straight in the eye and waiting for me to notice her.

Alas, tonight I saw the look in her eyes. I have wandered for too long, and she just stayed right in front of me. Taking back steps as I move forward towards her, still not noticing her. No, she doesn't want to make any sound. She was just right there in front of me. Looking at me in the eye, wanting me to exhale all the negative elements bottled up inside of me. Yet she couldn't, more so wouldn't show me. I have to do it myself. I have to let the spirits out. I have to pop the cork and set them all free.

And so I am. Free from all the anger and pain. The disappointments and fears. I am me. Aware of my being.

My Muse didn't refused to come. I was the one who refused to let her in.