I want out

Making a difference in the lives of people has always been my passion. Touching lives and crossing boundaries of convention made me an unorthodox educator for the past years. Our Supreme Being also blessed my family with enormous talents which could be utilized for the benefit of humankind. With this in hand, I believe that I would best fulfill my purpose in life as an educator/entrepreneur.

Thus, I am tendering my irrevocable resignation effective 05 November 2007.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to experience public service at its best. Being a part of this agency brought insurmountable realizations and insights on the true meaning of service to the people.

This was the letter that I wrote yesterday. Everybody in the office was shocked.

I had to.

For my own good.

Gadgets

Finally, my sister got the desktop computer and had it placed inside their room. I can now have peace and quiet in my own room without her and her kids every time I come home. As part of the package I made sure that she has internet connection. So, that's what kept me busy half of the day yesterday.

Come lunchtime, I waited for Glen to come by and deliver the slightly used laptop so that I could have my own internet access right in the privacy of my own room (yeah, yeah.. you know what I mean). He promised to be at our house at two thirty but managed to drop by at around four. I thought the deal was off. But when he showed me item, I liked it. It's so cute. Hehehehe!.

I got the Toshiba Portege 3440 with the following specs

- Pentium III

- 500 Mhz, 128 mb RAM

- 12 gb of HDD

- 2 PCMCIA slots

- 1 USB port

- USB external floppy drive

- Adaptor

The battery lasts around 30-45 minutes so I've got to have the battery repacked. He says it costs P1,200 in Cubao.

I can upgrade it if I want to. But for the meantime I am glad I can use it at home and take it anywhere I want to because it's so thin. Hehehe.

He also gave me a PCMCIA card modem as a freebie. So, I used it last night to surf the net. I am satisfied (for now). Hehehehe. It cost me less than 10k for this. I was supposed to buy a PDA dual sim phone (Q77i) at the HUG store in Baclaran but I deferred it (will have a separate post about the Q77i).

My wife would really go nuts if she finds out that I have my eye on another phone. Hehehe.

For the nth time, I was in the hotseat during lunchtime with the Chief. This was my second day at work after a two-day sick leave.

Yesterday when she asked for the results of the medical tests I took, she accidentally saw the application for permanent residence in Canada form. She looked at me and said

"O, aalis ka na ba?"

"Matagal pa ho."

She saw my tribal necklace which I personally made last Monday. Sabi niya, kaya daw ako nagkakasakit dahil sa kwintas ko na pang-anito. Napatawa na lang ako at sinabing, katutubong Pilipino ho kasi ako. Naniniwala sa mga anito. Hehehe.

Then she asked me again if I have friends who are applying as PAs or staff in our agency.

Simple questions. But it makes me wonder, saan ba papunta 'to? Then she dropped the bomb:

"Akala ko ba naga-apply dito girlfriend mo?

I answered the question.

"Hindi po. Nasa Canada na siya."

"Kaya ka pala nagkakasakit eh. Paano kung mag-asawa na 'yun dun?"

I just smiled. Gusto ko sabihin sa kanya, "Hindi mo ko maaagaw 'no!"

Hehehehe.

We should not seek revenge on those who have committed crimes against us, or reply to their crimes with other crimes. We should reflect that by the law of karma, they are in danger of lowly and miserable lives to come, and that our duty to them, as to every being, is to help them to rise towards Nirvana, rather than let them sink to lower levels of rebirth.

- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

A-ok

Nothing is wrong with me. That’s from the point of view of the doctor who ordered the treadmill test. I was able to withstand 10 minutes and 27 seconds under modified bruce protocol but didn’t finish the required 15 minutes. During the exercise, I had chest pains but it wasn’t that bad. When they asked me if I could take it, I said yes. The cardiologist said it was weird because she couldn’t see any abnormality reflected in my ECG. So, when she signed the results, the interpretation was Negative for exercise induced myocardial ischemia. Patient achieved 10.1 mets at 90% MPHR.

So it is official that I don’t have a heart problem.

It was probably stress related, so they say. I don’t need the two-week vacation that the chiropractic therapist was requesting me to take.

It means I have to get back to work tomorrow.

Will power

Called in sick last Friday. I had a terrible headache Thursday night after work that I decided to see a doctor (as I was prodded by so many people). Friday morning I went to the clinic and consulted with a family med doctor. She read my history and found out that I had 2 pending tests to undergo - perimetry test and EEG. So, she ordered me to take the tests but the EEG was replaced by a treadmill test and then referred me to a neurologist.

Saturday morning I went to see the ophthalmologist and she said I really needed to take the perimetry test because the veins in my eyes were quite pale and that the pressure was bordering on abnormal. The test could also check if the mild stroke that I had affected my brain.

Sunday, morning I went to see my neurologist and he told me that I have a complicated migraine. He gave me three different sets of medicine. Propranolol, which I should take twice a day for a period of forty five days; Ibuprofen, when normal headache occurs; and lastly Avamigran, for classic migraine attacks. I'll go back after a month to see if I responded to the first medicine he gave me.

This week, I have to check if the HMO approved the two tests that the doctor ordered. If approved I had to call the hospital to schedule the procedure. For perimetry, it's going to be done at UST. For the tread mill stress test I can have it done at the Chinese General Hospital. But I have to check for the availability of the said hospitals.

My uncle proposes another cure. He says he could administer chiropractic therapy on me but I need to take a leave of absence from work for two weeks. I'm not sure if I am amenable to that. But I thought of asking my boss if she could temporarily reassign me to our district office near my house so that I could still go to work even if I am under therapy. But before I could do that I need to secure a medical certificate from my doctors.

I still feel weak. The chest pains are still there although they are intermittent. The headache attacks have been minimized but I still got this eerie feeling. My blood pressure is consistent at 90/60.

Am I sick? Probably. It's a matter of will power.

Immortal

I was on a carpool last Friday. I didn’t bring my bike to the office because the gearshift got broken and I needed to bring it to a mechanic. I was told that I’d have to wait for a day before it got fixed. So I went to work without my Little Devil. The day started out fine but got a little busy around 9:00. I was tagged as the resident psychologist in our division so aside from the daily routine of tasks I became the living repository of garbage in the office. I didn’t know that this would contribute to the stressful situations piling up in my system.

Acting on instinct during a lull in the office, I pulled up a paper that I already threw in the thrash can and found a number on it. It was my life insurance policy that I haven’t been paying for years as a result of a misunderstanding with my insurance agent. I checked if my insurance policy was in force and found out that it still is. Well and good, I told myself. If I die at that very moment my family will have enough money to start anew.

After office hours, I stayed for an extra thirty minutes or so to finish the pile of paper works on my desk. It was around six in the evening when I decided to go home and call it a day. Since I don’t have my little devil with me I went on to my usual routine of taking a long walk from East Avenue to Quezon Avenue where I will have my ride home. Nothing unusual happened during that walk. I was taking my time and enjoying the sights that I don’t usual see when I’m riding my bike. When I got to the station I immediately paid my fare and walked to the vehicle. I even heard Sotto called my name and told me “Mukhang nagla-law ka na rin ah!” I jokingly said, “Hindi rin, mas gusto ko pa mag-MA Psych kesa mag-law!" And then I boarded the vehicle and positioned myself at the left side of the seat right at the back of the driver. First thing I noticed was the air conditioning unit, it was turned on and the temperature was just right for me. I waited for a few minutes and then we were off on the road.

I started feeling weird in front of the dismantled SM Annex building. The temperature was cold but I felt my body sweating. Butil-butil ang pawis ko. I started feeling nauseous. Then my left arm started to numb. I told myself, this couldn’t be good. I really felt weird but I had to contain myself until I get to Meycauayan. I was having difficulty in moving but I manage to alight the vehicle and boarded a tricycle to take me home. I was really feeling weak that time, I wanted to just lie down and rest. When I got home, I paid respects to my parents and told them I was really feeling weak. I took a glass of water and went straight to my room and threw myself into the bed. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t stay awake so I fell asleep. After a few hours I was roused from my sleep when my sister entered the room and said “Andiyan ka pala, bakit naka-off ang electric fan mo? Ang init-init!” That was the time I told her about what I was going through but she couldn't understand the words coming out of my mouth because I was slurring. That was when she said that I needed to see a doctor. My dad thought otherwise. He told me to call my uncle to check on me.

To make the long story short, my brother took me to Tito Ernie and he checked on my condition. According to him I suffered a mild stroke. This was my second attack. I was lucky because my body is still strong. Most doctors that I’ve consulted found nothing wrong with me. They said I was too young to have a stroke, blah blah blah. But Tita Lucy, my aunt from the US who works for medical insurance company thinks otherwise. She called mom an hour ago and my mom told her about what happened to me. A few minutes later she called me and convinced me to go to Manila, preferably St. Luke’s or the Heart Center and have this condition checked my a cardiologist. She was astounded by that fact that I went to 3 doctors and all of them couldn’t find anything wrong with me.

What is wrong with my body? I don’t know. They couldn’t find any. That was why I am beginning to believe in my dreams that I am immortal.

Am back.

I changed. Yep. For a year and a half I restrained myself from accessing the internet. I sold my laptop computer, stopped my ISP subscription and did a lot of new things. I quit my job as a professor in one university (but I still teach part-time at a local government college) and accepted a mediocre paying job as a government employee. Contrary to popular belief that government employees just sit and watch the time pass by, my job entails a lot of work. And stress at that too. I wanted security of tenure and I got it. I am not getting any younger. In fact, this was noticed by one absurd stalker and commented that she no longer has a crush on me because I look old. Oh well, she hasn't seen me in 2 years. Thanks a lot!

Now, here I am starting another blog. I wish I could keep it. The other two blogs that I maintained before were solely dedicated to one person and my life journey with her. Now that we're no longer together I wish I could write more about my life, my experiences and the morbid thoughts that comes to me every single day. As Maya Angelou said, "If you don't like something change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." It's all a matter of perspective. Changing my view of things will change the way I picture myself. Earl Nightingale clearly says it all, "A great attitude does much more than turn on the lights in our worlds; it seems to magically connect us to all sorts of serendipitous opportunities that were somehow absent before we changed."

-sigh-

I can do it.

Practice non-seeking

A buddha is one who does not seek. In seeking this, you turn away from it. The principle is the principle of nonseeking; when you seek it, you lose it.

-Pai-chang
From "Teachings of Zen", edited by Thomas Cleary, © 1998. By arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc., Boston, www.shambhala.com.