Decisions

Last week in my Philippine history class, we were discussing McKinley's benevolent assimilation proclamation and then the Philippine independence missions. I underestimated my students critical thinking skills. I thought that they were just like my former history students who were just going through the motions of complying with the requirements to pass the subject. Otherwise they couldn't graduate from their chosen courses. When they heard of the missions sent to the US Congress in the 1930's for the Filipino's desire to become independent of any foreign power, they told me that it was a waste of time and money. They also asked my why in the hell do we need to get the approval of the United States just to get our so called independence? I didn't even had the chance to answer it because the class did. The Philippines was served in a silver platter to the USA after the Treaty of Paris. At first, they didn't know what to do, whether to accept it or just let us be. That's what Dewey told Aguinaldo anyway during their meeting prior to the Mock Battle of Manila. But they already invested $20 million. And the decision finally came after McKinley's proclamation. They have this herculean task of educating the Filipinos. So he ordered the military occupation.

With the rise of ML Quezon and the likes, the Filipinos clamored for independence. They wanted to prove that they could run the country without the Americans. It took several missions, nine, if I am not mistaken, to bring it to reality. The HHC Act was finally approved by the US Congress and was approved by the President of the USA. However, ML Quezon was not happy about it because he couldn't take the credit for it, that was why he didn't sign it. Then came the Tydings-McDuffie law - and here we are, independent as we claim it.

If things were different, if ML Quezon, Sergio Osmena didn't clamor for independence, we would have been a territory of the USA. We could have been another Guam or Saipan. So, I asked my students if they were in favor of this. They said NO. They want an independent Philippines, much to my surprise.

They were debating about it in class, I was hearing comments and ideas I have never heard nor imagined they were capable of even thinking. Right there and then, I knew that I made the right decision.

In the attempt to ease whatever feeling that I have, they made me feel proud. That somehow, I made a good decision in my life.

That in almost everything that I have done, I have done something good.

Even if I am stupid. Even if I am an asshole. Even if I lied.

I don't want to lie anymore. My heart is full of remorse right now. For not saying the things that I should have said. For hiding the things that I should have exposed. Now, I am having a hard time earning the trust that I had before.

And it is because of my stupid decisions. My mistakes. My lies.