I was thinking of the comments I'm getting, from older people, from friends and from people that I have had relationships with. Hanggang ngayon kasi iisa pa rin ang sinasabi nila. Be it a comment from Mr. Dumalay, my mom's co-teacher back in '83 to a comment I received yesterday. When I was in Grade 3, my mom took me with her, nakita ako ng mga co-teachers niya and Mr. Dumalay made a comment something to this effect "Naku Litz, ingatan mo 'yan anak mong 'yan at maraming paiiyaking babae 'yan." I don't exactly remember my mom's reaction to that, all I can remember was she said "Chito, babae 'yang anak ko." Funny how my mom kept cool, siguro alam na niya noon pa lang na magiging lesbian ang anak niya. She tried to talk me out of it, nahuli niya kasi na may nakasulat sa palm ko na "Beegee loves Clarita" Alam niyo naman na nung bata tayo mahilig tayong magsulat ng mga ganyan kung saan-saan. Hehehe. Clarita was her student, she was probably 11 or 12yrs old that time and I was 7 or 8. But that did not change me. I tried to in high school, I grew my hair long until 2nd yr. Eh kaso na-in love eh, kaya nagpagupit ulit. Hahahahaha!
The past weeks, I kept on getting the same comment over and over again. "Mahirap kang maging girlfriend dahil andaming nagkakagusto sa 'yo." Could be a compliment, could be otherwise. It's a double-edged sword. So I was retracing my steps, how I came to be like this - from a nerdy nobody in HS known only as the daughter of a HS teacher to becoming the confident and charismatic person that I am now.
I was thinking, had I not been a teacher's daughter, what would I have become? Sa team kasi, I was the youngest, a sophomore. One of them was in her junior year, the others were all seniors. Couldn't blame them if they thought I was a spy, anak ako ng teacher eh. So I did not blend in, secret hideouts and conversations, they thought I was too young for that. And syempre baka magsumbong ako. So when we reminisce our varsity life in HS ang dami ko hindi alam, andaming experiences in which I wasn't a part of because anak ako ng teacher. It is hard to be the model student. Specially when everybody is looking at your back. I made a choice then, academic excellence or varsity sports. I chose the latter because it gave me my identity. Discipline was the foremost thing I learned when I became an athlete. I had good study habits to back that up so I didn't have a hard time following orders. I was the perfect athlete then, walang reklamo. Lahat ng sabihin at ipagawa sinusunod ko. I don't cut corners when we do jogging around the court, I was always going the extra mile. Pero there was one time na nawala ako sa focus, in love kasi eh. Crucial game with Nueva Ecija, I was sloppy, and I got what I needed from my coach. Lahat ng klase ng mura natikman ko na. I was slapped in the face. Natauhan ako, ako nga pala ang director sa loob ng court. It put me back into shape.
My experiences, positive or negative, made me this way. I am confident now because I know what I'm capable of. I know I can be more but I'm holding back some things, baka kasi mas mapansin eh masyado na daw da akong pansinin. Hehehehe. Hindi ako marunong manligaw, aminado ako dun. Sabi naman kasi nila, hindi ko na daw kailangan manligaw kasi ako daw ang nililigawan. Siguro nga.
Siguro din masyado akong mabait, what's this word... aaahhhh... naive. Pero hindi na ngayon. Let's just say that I know how to use my "gifts" to help people. At syempre na rin, para tulungan ko ang sarili ko.
Bigla ko tuloy naalala 'yun sinabi ni Rizal sa mga kapatid niya nung biniro siya na siguro daw marami siyang pinaiyak na babae sa Europa.
Ang sagot niya, "Hindi pinaiyak kundi pinaligaya."
